IT'S ONLY NATURAL

[TIMOTHY ALAN SOMMERS]

i am so much older than i can take

and my affection, well it comes and goes

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style,background-image: url('http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g79/Juliart/background_black.jpg');,true][cs=2] I NEED DIRECTION TO PERFECTION

[atrb=width,240] Alan had been alone in the forest for maybe three hours now, but he still hadn’t calmed down. Usually separating himself from everyone else was enough, but for some reason today his anger with reality wasn’t leaving, regardless of how much poetry he scribbled into his notebook or how long he just walked around aimlessly. Everything was wrong at the same time and he wanted to destroy the world and start over. If he could tear himself into pieces and build himself up again, he’d do it in a heartbeat because this time he’d get it right. It was just one of those days where something sets you off and everything that follows, no matter how small, makes it feel like the world is caving in. That’s where he mind was at the moment, and it was really all he could do to keep himself on the island. He wanted to run until his legs gave out or until the soles of his feet bled or until his lungs begged for relief. But instead of doing that, Alan sat cross-legged on a bench in the middle of the forest. His elbows were propped on his knees and he held his head in his hands. His eyes were closed, because sometimes if he closed his eyes when he felt like this, he could almost imagine hearing the bombs going off in his brain. People in books sometimes talked about how depressing depression could be. He’d always found that to seem rather redundant, but today he was realizing what it meant. Depression was depressing. Frustration was frustrating. On the whole, emotions were too emotional and feeling things was overrated. Deafness wasn’t the only thing that was bothering him today. He’d moved through the ‘life-is-so-hard-because-I-can’t-hear’ stage of things already and now he was battling the ‘you’re-going-to-be-alone-forever-because-no-one-can-talk-to-you.’ As if it wasn’t obvious enough every day. No, now he had to spend a few hours feeling sorry for himself, which was pathetic. You would think, he mused to himself, That eventually you’d get used to it. It’s hard to accept the idea of being alone forever. It wasn’t as though Alan had no one at school. He got on well with the other students on the whole. There was one girl whom he wrote to in Portuguese since she was better at it than English. Some of his friends were awesome because they just liked spending time with him, even without talking together. But what he really wanted was someone like him, and he only knew one other deaf student. Loli Avery was a person of great intrigue for Alan, and there were plenty of reasons why. Naturally, there was the deafness, but it was more than just that. Lolita’s power was unique to say the least, and Alan wanted to understand it. He was totally gay and completely comfortable with it. He had strong beliefs and a sure sense of who he was. Loli was his own person, that was for sure. It was a person Alan wanted to know well, but it was complicated. They’d been getting close for a while, but after Loli was kidnapped, things changed again. Before the incident, Loli had been fighting with his boyfriend, and now that they were back together, they wanted to patch things up, which meant there wasn’t much time for Alan in Lolita’s schedule. Alan supposed he understood, but it made him feel lonely. There had been potential there, and somehow it felt like it was too late for that. And arguably it was stupid to think like that. How could it be too late to make friends with someone? But that wasn’t how Alan’s mind worked. There was a time for everything, and now that time had passed.

[atrb=width,100] words , 649 words tagged , Loli/Dee notes , This was way longer than I thought it was omg. Hopefully I'm also wrong about how bad it is.

TEMPLATE BY THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE MIKEY @ CAUTION 2.0

[LOLITA WINDSONG AVERY]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] i've been hoping for, I'd rather waltz then walk through the forest, words: 700, tagged: kirsten outfit: here Lolita had already been a rather skittish young man, and getting kidnapped and left in a room with two semi-strangers for a month hadn’t helped. He felt afraid any time he stepped out of his dorm alone, so he had solved that problem by rarely ever leaving his boyfriend’s side. He wasn’t physically or mentally strong. He didn’t know how to handle this other than coming home and clinging to what was familiar and felt safe. He hadn’t really been on his own very much since getting back, and he hadn’t really been allowed to stop snacking either. Loli already had enough problems gaining weight for how active he was mixed with being vegan. His weight loss could easily be seen not just in how much baggier his pants were but in how tired he had been upon coming back. He’d managed to successfully ease himself back into his usual diet after having to break it to get the proper amount of protein. But he was feeling brave today. He was feeling muse filled. He was feeling artistic. And even though part of him wanted to stay in Pepper’s company he told his boyfriend he was going for a walk and would text every now and then to give Pepper peace of mind. That seemed to be enough for now, so Loli grabbed his notebook and braved the big scary outside all by himself. He stood in front of the doors facing the fields and the forest, took in a deep breath of courage, and started on his adventure. He would be fine. He would be safe. The security on the island had been increased since the kidnapping. Loli actually didn’t know this for sure, he was just mentally repeating it to make himself feel better. If worse came to worse he would think to use his power to grab someone’s attention, which he hoped he would even have the chance to if someone tried to get him again. Another deep breathe of courage was needed again, which he inhaled before stepping into the forest. There was no real destination in mind, just a need to get somewhere serene. Somewhere tranquil. Somewhere where the noises of the school would be dull little flickers compared to the soft sounds that the forest offered. Somewhere where the snapping twigs up in trees slowly drifted downward like falling leaves before dissolving into the air of the ground was the most assaulting thing to his vision. School could be such a sensory overload for his eyes, seeing each voice and each clicking heel and each jingling key chains on a backpack and each slamming locker. More often than not, Loli could barely find his way through the halls without feeling like he might faint from the dizziness of it all. He didn’t like overly populated areas but he liked to be around the people he cared about. As long as they didn’t go into the cafeteria during lunch hour then he was usually fine. Loli simply wandered his way deeper and deeper until he could make out a figure, a figure he knew all too well. Knowing his own hatred for being snuck up on he started walking in a wide curve so Alan would be able to spot him in his peripheral vision, a large smile on his somewhat guilt ridden face as he approached. Seeing his friend suddenly reminded Loli of how little he had seen of the only person on this island who understood how frustrating communicating could be. He hadn’t really seen Alan other than in passing, let alone stopped to chat. So naturally once he was close enough his arms wrapped around Alan in a tight and apologetic hug, ruffling his friend’s hair a bit in greeting and smiling that stupid overly optimistic smile of his. Alan!

[/i][/color] he signed optimistically, the sign for the other boy’s name being the word for “deaf” except instead of using his index finger to gesture he made the letter “A”. Alan his deaf friend. I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit you yet.[/i][/color] His lips puckered in a dramatic pout that someone couldn’t possibly stay cross at if they were.


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[TIMOTHY ALAN SOMMERS]

i am so much older than i can take

and my affection, well it comes and goes

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[atrb=width,240] While Alan wasn’t exactly sure of the odds of Lolita just appearing right when he hoped to see him, there he was, just as Alan opened his eyes. Within a few seconds, he found himself being enveloped in boy arms, then quickly released so Loli could sign things to him. It’s okay. I understand. You’ve been through a lot. You needed time,

[/color] he signed. He really hated signing. He didn’t mind reading it, since he liked to read pretty much anything. Even if he could hear, he’d be able to read it. But the need to use it was a constant, irritating reminder of how there wasn’t much of an alternative. Technically, speaking was simple enough to him, but it was also very frustrating to know that he was making sound and couldn’t hear it. He hated doing it more than he hated signing, so his only option was doing the latter.

There was a pause where Alan didn’t know what else to say, so he added the ultimate conversational cop-out to the end of his previous statements: How are you?[/color]

Outwardly, Loli looked well. This was the first time Alan had seen him outside of the company of his boyfriend, so he supposed that was a step in the right direction. Of course, that could mean they were fighting, in which case things weren’t well. Still, if they were having trouble again, Loli probably wouldn’t seem to be as okay as he did.

What went on in their relationship wasn’t really any of Alan’s business, though, he supposed. If Lolita wanted to share, then he would, but otherwise, he should just leave it be. Relationships were messy to begin with and could only get worse if other people were always meddling.

Of course, Alan wasn’t exactly a relationship expert. He’d had a thing with a linguistics prodigy when he was about twelve, but that lasted about three days thanks to Alan’s diva tantrum and his subsequent leaving the research center for good. Relationships between twelve year olds hardly count as anything anyways, but when it’s between a deaf American boy and a sassy Tanzanian girl and the only reason they can communicated is because of their mutual knowledge of the written French language, it isn’t destined to go very far. He supposed it was better that way, considering he realized now he wasn’t even attracted to girls at all. So much for that.

At any rate. He wanted to know about Loli and his life and how he was adjusting. He was still curious about the kidnapping, even if he was too polite to ask about it.

He couldn’t even imagine how terrible it must’ve been. From the rumors that he’d gotten out of his friends, the victims had been locked in a single room for a whole month. He didn’t know much more besides that and the student body had apparently been told not to go pressing for details. He lacked both the hear and the say in hearsay, so he remained in the dark most of the time, only catching snippets when it was brought up with his friends or when he happened to read someone’s lips as they were talking about it. Those weren’t typically the best resources for information, oddly enough.

For Lolita especially, though, it had to be hard. He wouldn’t have been able to hear what was going on around him, and any sound there was would’ve been assailing his vision and making things more difficult to understand.

Alan wondered if anyone knew who did the kidnapping and why they’d done it. If they did, they hadn’t bothered to make it very well known, at least. Something that important probably would have been a big deal. If everyone knew, he would’ve picked it up. Probably. [/div][/td]
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words ,

645 words


tagged ,

Loli/Dee


notes ,
i'm sorry this is terrible idk where my alan muse went.

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TEMPLATE BY THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE MIKEY @ CAUTION 2.0

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[LOLITA WINDSONG AVERY]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] i've been hoping for, I'd rather waltz then walk through the forest, words: idk, tagged: kirsten outfit: here notes: this is shit As far as being deaf went, Loli had mixed feelings. He had long ago come to terms with this disability of his, accepted the likelihood of fixing it was slim and simply learning how to make do. At times he hated it though. Times like when him and Pepper were fighting and he couldn’t properly convey his feelings in a way Pepper could understand. Times like locked up and barely able to read people’s lips let alone be able to say anything for himself. But simultaneously it made his appreciation and love of music even greater. He couldn’t hear what he was composing but he could feel it and see it and sometimes even taste it. And that was special to him. He simply nodded in response to needing time, nibbling the backing to his lip stud and making himself comfortable. Yeah, I almost turned back around after coming out here ‘cause I was scared to be on my own. Not so scared now that you’re around though.

[/color] He gave a shrug to the following question. Good, I guess. Much better now that things have calmed down. How about you? What did I miss?[/i][/color] He meant, of course, what did he miss in Alan’s life not imply in general.

It was probably unhealthy to see your partner as often as Loli saw Pepper since coming back. There was probably some fancy psychology who would explain how strenuous that could be on a relationship, but they were all wrong in this instance. He had been so scared that he would never end up seeing Pepper again. So sure that he was going to die and Pepper would think that Loli died hating him. It was that aspect, the hate, that had Loli so attached to the other boy right now. If something bad had happened Alan wouldn’t have sat at a funeral thinking about a fight they had had. His last memories wouldn’t have been something terrible. But Lolita admittedly felt pretty bad for neglecting such a close friend. Neglecting someone who could understand how frustrating and exhausting it had been to try and communicate. He had never in his life felt as deaf and mute as he had during that month. He had a lot of lost time to make up for.

Is it weird that I missed singing?[/i][/color] he asked with a quizzical expression, picking up a small stick and drawing some shapes in the dirt between them. In the process of trying to doodle in the dirt he was pushing leaves aside. The only complaint he had about being here in the forest with Alan was how silent it was. There weren’t a lot of sounds for him to see so it was almost eerie. He was so used to the visual overload of the school hallways that it seemed to weird for it to be so quiet. And I missed you too,[/color] he repeated. He honestly felt like he couldn’t express this enough. Loli didn’t pick the not dropped stick back up and instead made a little heart with his hands and smiled that big, goofy smile of it.


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[TIMOTHY ALAN SOMMERS]

i am so much older than i can take

and my affection, well it comes and goes

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[atrb=width,240] It’s good that you were able to get out on your own. I don’t think it’s healthy to be with the same person all the time. I know it was always difficult at home because everyone got so sick of being together. I guess my being here sort of ruins the alone time thing, but I’m glad you don’t feel scared anymore, at least.

[/color]

Alan often wondered if his fluency in sign language came from necessity and use or from his ability to gain fluency in any language. He was sometimes amazed that his hands knew exactly what motion to perform next, and his fingers nimbly danced until every thought he wanted to convey had been performed. He wouldn’t mind if it was just out of a need to be able to communicate, but he felt that that was the less likely reason he signed with such skill. There was little he could do to convince himself that his power wasn’t to blame, and that fueled the fire. He hated that he had a need to sign, and he hated that whatever sadistic force it was that gave him the ability to be so damn good at it. It was sick. It was so unfair it made him feel like throwing up.

But those weren’t the things Alan wanted to think about at the moment. He was finally able to spend time with Loli again, so he shouldn’t be wasting his time thinking about how unfair everything was. He’d had a whole month alone for a deafness pity party. Now he needed to focus on their conversation. The thing about sign language was that if you let your gaze falter for a minute, you miss half the message.

He snapped back just in time to catch Loli asking what he missed. Since Alan was sort of lost, he decided on another cop-out. You didn’t miss much, honestly. The whole school was sort of at a standstill, it feels like. Everyone was really worried and there was a lot of whispering and I felt very out of the loop because I didn’t know what everyone was going on about until they put up the posters saying that if we knew anything we were to go to the office and tell the administrators. Maybe I didn’t find out that much later than anyone else, but it sure felt like it.[/color]

Sometimes Alan found himself wanting to know exactly what people thought of him. He was very aware of his own pessimism, but he didn’t know exactly how that was communicated to anyone else. He often got tired of the same negative thoughts, (oh, whine, life is so hard because no one bothers with me and I can’t easily eavesdrop) but he still found himself having them and complaining about them all the time. Maybe their lack of ability to hear his inner monologue was enough of a censor to make it tolerable, but he figured it was still enough to be super irritating. He decided he’d also try to stop telling Loli about those things while he was trying to stop the mental self-pity.

He laughed a little when Loli mentioned that he missed signing. No, I don’t think so. I can’t imagine what a relief it must be to have someone understand after a month of being completely alone.[/color]

And then Loli mentioned missing him again. I missed you, too.[/color]

As an afterthought, he added, I missed you more than I missed signing.[/color]

He meant for it to be a joke, but he wasn’t exactly sure if Loli understood exactly how much he despised it. There had been, in the past, plenty of other things to occupy their conversations without touching on their personal feelings about their methods of communication. It wasn’t as though people who talked ever talked about talking. No reasonable person had an opinion about the subject. It was entirely possible that he’d never brought it up.

Hopefully, though, even if Lolita didn’t understand the depth of it, he’d still find the comment at least a little bit amusing.[/div][/td]
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words ,

715 words


tagged ,

Loli/Dee


notes ,
Pros: it's a good length. Cons: It's really rambly and annoying. Sorry.

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TEMPLATE BY THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE MIKEY @ CAUTION 2.0

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[LOLITA WINDSONG AVERY]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] i've been hoping for, I'd rather waltz then walk through the forest, words: 610, tagged: kirsten outfit: here notes: this is shit As deeply as Lolita didn’t want to admit it Alan had a very strong point. It was unhealthy to spend so much time with someone. Unhealthy for him to spend every moment he could with Pepper. It wouldn’t help their relationship any. If anything it would destroy it. Loli didn’t want to do anything that would ruin their relationship. He didn’t want to do anything to mess them up even more than he already had. Loli nodded with a somewhat solemn expression, the smallest of frowns mixed with his little smile. Yeah, you have a point. We were probably getting annoying to people—our roommates—but I’m happy to be spending time with someone else.

[/i][/color] The ghost of a frown disappeared and was instead replaced with a growing smile. He was glad he wasn’t scared either, but that would be redundant to point out. I guess I just figured that if I spent all my time with Pepper it would be harder for something bad to happen again. He’d just change into a lion and I’d be protected,[/i][/color] he signed.

It felt good to be signing again. It felt good to be able to communicate so effortlessly. To not have to think about what he wanted to say. Figuratively say, of course. He didn’t have to think about how he was going to get his point across. He didn’t have to think about much right now. Signing was just so easy. He had been doing it for so long. His family and friends back home were experts in sign language by now after so long of their beloved Lolited being without his hearing. It was second nature to him and to those who were close to him. He could only wish it would be as easy for Pepper as it had been for him and his parents. He could only wish that miscommunications like their fight before being kidnapped wouldn’t happen again. That him and his boyfriend wouldn’t have to fight to understand each other.

He nodded as Alan signed, drawing random squiggles in the dirt with a small stick just to keep his hands busy when he wasn’t signing. Whenever his hands were free he’d return to his stick and drop it whenever he needed them again. That’s good at least. I mean…that I didn’t miss anything important. I’m sorry you felt so out of the loop but you didn’t miss much on our end either. It was really uneventful from what I gather but I couldn’t really communicate with anyone. They kept us in a little room and then Army or something broke us out. That was it, really. Nothing exciting. I was as out of the loop as you were.[/i][/color] There was a small, muffled chuckle from him which was more visually seen than it could be heard audibly. If anyone with good hearing was around, at least. His shoulders and chest shook and his smile grew and then settled back to the content expression he had had before.

Loli didn’t really understand the full meaning of Alan’s remark, about missing him more than he missed signing. He knew Alan wasn’t a big fall of signing but he didn’t know to what extent. He didn’t know how deeply his friend’s dislike for signing went. But even so he chuckled again, brushing hair off of his forehead while he did so. It had gotten incredibly long and fluffy during a month of capture and he was in desperate need of a haircut. But he kind of liked how long and fluffy it was. Like a lion’s mane. That’s a lot of missing! I’m flattered,[/color] he joked.

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[TIMOTHY ALAN SOMMERS]

i am so much older than i can take

and my affection, well it comes and goes

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[atrb=width,240] Alan nodded to show he understood what Loli meant about being safe with Pepper. He supposed it must be nice to have a power like that. It was purposeful. His was completely illogical. Maybe he was just being bitter for being unable to hear them, but there was very little demand for understanding every language in the world. He had no desire to do the world good by aiding in translation to reach peace, or to crack codes, or to read languages that were long dead. He’d had a taste of that before and that had ruined the idea for him. Maybe if they hadn’t been so forceful about it. But he was a kid then. He had just wanted to be treated like a person, not a freak of nature who happened to be really good at something. I can understand why you’d feel safe. I think it’d be hard to not feel safe with a lion for a boyfriend,

[/color] he signed back.

Hearing about Loli’s experience when he had been kidnapped was a lot more interesting to Alan. He couldn’t help being a little jealous when Loli talked about Pepper. He wanted a relationship like that. He didn’t reach out to people enough to have one, however, so his loneliness was his own fault, but he still didn’t like it. So he was glad when the subject changed.

Does anyone know who did it and why? Everything seems kind of inconclusive. I think everyone’s just focused on how glad they are that you all are okay and they’re ignoring the big questions. I just don’t think it’s normal for people to snatch up a big group and then do nothing with them for a month. I’m sorry it was hard for you to communicate, though. I know how frustrating that can be.[/color]

Alan had spent a good portion of the month they had been away wondering what was going on there. His focus had mostly been on what was happening to them, rather that who was doing it and why. He couldn’t blame everyone else for focusing on the what as well, since that was the most threatening aspect of the situation, but since the what had ended up to be very little, surely people had to begin to wonder about the other pieces. None of his theories seemed very likely. Nothing really added up. He’d mostly given up speculating, especially since they were back, but there was still a strong want for the truth.

His drive for knowledge was probably driven by his disability. He always felt like there was something everyone else knew that he didn’t, and it was exasperating. Maybe it was just paranoia, but the feeling was powerful enough that he was frequently frustrated when he saw people talking to each other while he was alone. In an attempt to stop this, he always kept an eye out for information on bulletin boards or posters on walls. Maybe one day everything he wondered would be explained, and then he wouldn’t feel so left out.

He really needed to stop being so pessimistic. It was a miserable way to live.

Have you seen your family since you family since you’ve been back?[/color] he asked. He wasn’t sure of how good a relationship Loli had with his family, but certainly, even if it wasn’t very good, they’d want to see him just to assure themselves that he was all right. Alan was fairly sure that even his mother would want to see him, had he been the one kidnapped. And that was saying something, considering that Alan didn’t even go home over the summer. [/div][/td]
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words ,

628 words


tagged ,

Loli/Dee


notes ,
Alan seriously needs to stop complaining about everything omg. I'm sorry.

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TEMPLATE BY THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE MIKEY @ CAUTION 2.0

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[LOLITA WINDSONG AVERY]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true] i've been hoping for, I'd rather waltz then walk through the forest, words: 620, tagged: kirsten outfit: here notes: this is shit It felt so nice to have someone to actually communicate with. Someone he didn’t have to think about a translation for. It was effortless to sign. He had been doing it since he was eight. It came so easy for him, so much so that he hadn’t really been much of a talker since going deaf. Loli hadn’t really been good at speech therapy and he had always been made fun of any time he did talk so he gave up. Gave up until recently, that is. He supposed the kidnapping wasn’t all bad in that case. It had given him time to try and figure out how to use his power to help him speak more clearly. So that was a plus. Pretty much,

[/i][/color] he signed with a bit of a laugh. It was true. It was hard to feel vulnerable with a lion for a boyfriend. He had already seen the extent of what Pepper would do to protect him. It was a very nice feeling.

He was no longer drawing shapes in the dirt and was instead fiddling with his bracelets to keep his hands busy. His head shook at Alan’s question and he gave a small shrug. I don’t really think they know anything. If they do they aren’t saying anything. I don’t think the people who did it really…planned out what they were going to do with us. All I really know is that we were on an island somewhere around Asia and the American Army found us all.[/i][/color] Really, Alan knew just as much as Loli did. He then nodded at Alan sharing his frustrations, crinkling his nose a bit and pouting dramatically and childishly. It was frustrating but at least it gave me time to practice. I’ve been trying to teach myself how to use my powers on my voice.[/i][/color] He was pretty excited about that. He could already use his power to see people’s words so he could understand exactly what they were saying. So why not use it to speak?

Quite frankly Loli didn’t really want to know the details of his kidnapping. He just wanted to move on from it. He wanted to be able to forget that it happened and just go about his life as if it hadn’t. Loli didn’t need to know who did it or why, he just wanted to know that the people who did it wouldn’t be doing it again. He just wanted to know that they were being punished for their crimes. That’s all he wanted. To know that it wouldn’t happen again. He would be content with that simple knowledge and so far he had it. Loli doubted that the school would allow such a thing to happen twice. Maybe he was being ignorant about it. Maybe he wasn’t taking it seriously enough. But he was happy this way so why ruin it? People were thinking way too deeply into this and he just wanted to move on.

No,[/i][/color] was his slightly ashamed reply. He hadn’t seen his family. They were having trouble getting people to cover their shifts at work to come so I told them it was okay and they didn’t need to,[/i][/color] he admitted. He felt bad for having told them not to bother. Like he had somehow done something bad to them. But his parents weren’t in the best financial position. He knew how important the extra shifts were. He knew how big of a dent that would have put into the family’s savings. He wanted to see them so desperately but it was just a bad time. It had been hard for Loli and no doubt for his parents but it had to be done.

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