[classy=appdesc]Oh, hey AUGUSTA, GEORGIA! Look who it is! It's ALISTAIR FINDLAY LOWELL! Oh, uh... perhaps you know them by their nickname, LOWELL? Anyway, this certain blessing in disguise came to us on OCTOBER THIRTY-FIRST, and grew up to be a hefty 6'4". You can always tell it's ALISTAIR because of their DIRTY-BLOND hair, BRIGHT BLUE eyes and HIS SMOLDERING GLARE. Not to mention they've gotten themselves SOME TURTLENECK SWEATERS! You know, everyone says they look like TOM FELTON? I personally don't see it though .... [/classy]
Post by SAPOOPY FOR PRESIDENT on Jun 7, 2012 0:54:55 GMT -5
[classy=tite]PENDING[/classy][classy=claim]Okay gurl. You know I love me some pre-puberty Tom Felton. However, there are some elements of this character that are going to need heavy editing.
I'm just going down with your list as we go, then I'll give a bit of an overview. Please, please keep in mind I'm not being a bitch, I just want you to become a better writer.
One - The name thing is okay. A little presumptuous, but fine. It's a quirk. This is okay. Also I'm calling him Ally.
Two - Here's the first thing that needs attention. What kind of acid does he control? Because if it's acid like the opposite of a base//a solution with a pH less than 7, then it wouldn't have really anything to do with the drug LCD (aka acid). If he can maybe change something's acidity, or be immune to acids, it would make a little bit more sense, but you're going to need to be a lot more specific with his power. As far as the dad goes, I think you were going for something with him being a chemist, but it's really really unclear.
Three - This is a BIG one. I don't have a problem with him being a former drug mule. But. But. How did he get out of it? What kind of consequences did he suffer? Was he ever caught? How did he get caught (because a lot of those teens get caught, trust me). How did this affect him? Why was he forced to do it? Who forced him? These are a few more things you need to clarify before I can really let this thing fly.
Four - We have a lot of baby daddies on this site (there's actually a ban on them as of today). You would be the last one, but thirteen? Really? If he and Rosie were both thirteen (as I'm assuming they both were), then there is no possible way they could have cared for a child on their own. You need to explain whose parent stepped up to help care for the baby. Also, if she were thirteen, Rosie would have experience some serious bod trauma. Sixteen-year-olds aren't equipped to handle a pregnancy, let alone thirteen-year-olds. And there is no way the baby was totally healthy. Just. No way. Explain the pregnancy itself in better detail and the actual caring for Cymbelline.
Five - This is okay, but just a suggestion- list some of his other interests, and try to combine them a little bit.
Six - Not to be really picky, but what does this have to do with anything? I mean, I understand that in real life, things can happen randomly. However, when you're making a character, adding in a million random events in their life can actually take away from the character. Right now, you're overdeveloping Ally here. If you want to keep the incident, try connecting to other events in his life- was the alcoholic friend perhaps a fellow drug dealer? A friend of Rosie's? When it comes to characters, connection is really the thing that makes something believable.
Seven - This is cute. I like this. It kind of subtly implies that he still wants to know more about his I'm assuming to be dead mother.
Eight - This isn't a big one, but perhaps put that he acts like a typical Scorpio? Maybe it's more others' observation's than his own? And I have never heard of a girl being attracted to a guy specifically because of their sign . JS. Although I heavily appreciate the puns. Puns are awesome.
Nine - Another random fact that I think is perfectly okay. Puppets are creepy as hell. Fun fact: Sapoopy has a collection of creepy porcelain dolls.
Ten - This just... doesn't add up. So far, Ally seems to be fairly kind, artisitc, yadda yadda. The wanting to 'break' people doesn't really fit in to that image. If it's just more of a thing where he's really analytic, that makes more sense. Perhaps all this needs is some re-wording.
Eleven - This I actually enjoyed. I thought it added a negative trait to him that was very needed. The jealousy is good. The grudges and suspicion are good because they match his background. I think this could be more of his greatest weakness -a sort of paranoia- more than patience. More on that later.
Twelve - Okay. Cold, analytic, shows little emotion on his face. This is a-okay.
Thirteen - I'm starting to like the whole zodiac and birthstone things that he's into. This is also perfectly good.
Fourteen - Again, connect his traits more. Perhaps connect his love of exotic things to his secret arty side? Or maybe it's what made him love Rosie all the more? I know you did mention that, but give a wee bit more on the why. Maybe his dorm is full of exotic stuff.
Fifteen - This is another huge one. Patience is an awesome virtue and strength to have. In fact, it's so awesome, I'm pretty sure it can't be a weakness, and if it was somehow, certainly not someone's greatest when he's also jealous and suspicious and grudge-holding. This is just one of the points where I suspect you might have just kind of skimmed and not really reread it, because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If you really, really, really want this to also be a weakness, please, please, please explain how. How did his friends abuse it? Did they leave him waiting somewhere because they knew he'd wait for them? How did his father abuse it, because I'm assuming it was in a different way than his friends? Why did he continue on if his friends continued to screw him over? How does that show patience and not, say, forgiveness? ... And why mention the golden rule? It's kind of just randomly tossed in there.
Sixteen - This I'm pretty okay with. It's a little bit ironic (hopefully Ally realizes that), but it also shows remorse for his old ways. When you edit his drug mule days, be sure to edit this up a little bit, too, and talk about some setbacks he might face having a criminal past.
Seventeen - Very cute. Cue a pet the dog moment here.
Eighteen - I'm kind of excited to see Rosie find out that he smokes, because believe me, it is hard to hide. Tobacco stinks. Especially cigars.
The main thing Ally here lacks is a good connection. He's got a little bit too much going on without enough reason. More effects than causes. Smooth him out, start filling in some details, and he'll be welcomed here.